I think my two sisters hate me. Argh. What did I do? Ok, maybe I did things to annoy them. I can get mad pretty easy. But so do they. I am expected to forgive them in a freaking instant?
I think they want me to be out forever. They're so freaking annoying.

Ok they just walked past the room. And they're talking about going to the plaza. And do they invite me?!?! NO!!! ARGH.What the hell. It's almost like survivor. Except I am the loser and the both of them are forming an alliance against me. Jasmine pretends to act freaking dumb, and lovable but she's actually manipulating everyone. Whereas Jovita is the freaking person who has to be in control.

I think me and Jovita fight alot because we're alike. I hate to be wrong around her. Cause she think she's a damn smart-ass. She only freaking knows about science and all that. And she copies all the music that I like.

Anyways Jasmine just asked me for my forgiveness. yea, right. She's just afraid I would not let her watch some movies on my computer. Idiot. I bet she cursing and swearing inside her head!. She thinks she knows me damn freaking well.! Whatever!. I hate her. I can't stand her , the both of them. I hate them. They're gonna borrow Hilary Duff's The Perfect Man.

My head is freaking not clear now, so forgive me if I'm the one at fault. But right now, I think they are the ones who are just driving me crazy!

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Woke up thinking of a song today. A beautiful song! I will follow you into the dark by Death Cab For Cutie.

Love of mine, someday you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

Blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

IN catholic school as vicious as roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
I held my tongue as she told me
" Son, fear is the heart of love''
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your sould embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me, we've seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of yout shoes are all worn down
The time of sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your sould embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

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Ok, today's the day after christmas. Doesn't seem like it though. I really don't know why.Well, I guess it was ok yesterday though. Went over to my uncle's house. First time we celebrating christmas there. Kinda boring. Actually really boring. Favourite part was when we were playing bingo. First round was for prizes. I won the second time. Got a t-shirt. My sister won the first time; she got this B.U.M. Jacket. Really nice. But she didn't like it so she gave it to me. So it's like I won twice.

Then we play the second round. Forfeit round. That was kind of exciting. Jovita lost the first time. I got to choose the forfeit. :) Oh yea, we stopped fighting so I wasn't too hard on her. I just got her to to put on make-up like a clown. Red nose included. Somehow she looked quite pretty in it. haha. One of those lucky people who will look good in anything. sigh.

Anyways, we wanted to take a cab home. Well, we could only take a cab. There are like five people on pur family and a can would take four. However we all grew up so fast so that most cabs refuse to take us in. I wonder how the hell we gonna travel when jovita grows taller and all!
I cannot go to a wedding in a bus!it's quite funny. Beautiful wedding gown tapping the ez-link card. I think that has got to be the most unglam moment of all!!

Anyways I think the government contradicts itself, they want couples to have more kids and the bloody COE thingy is so damnn expensive such that people like us cannot afford cars. Can't they have at least bigger taxis so that more big families can travel without the use for a car. I think I have started my rubbish already so i shall leave now. BYE.

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Today is the eve of the big day! I actually put the exclamation mark there to give me some sort of excitement. But it didn't work. I still don't feel the whole christmas spirit yet! I think everyone else feels the same. I don't know.Anyways, I started my piano lessons a week ago. And it has been great. I finally realised how good I feel when I play the piano. But my bloody piano hasn't been tuned for a like a super long time! It sounds almost disgusting! I hate to play my piano but I love going for the lessons.The music is so nice. I love practising. It's wonderful. I've found my thing. But I am not talented. It's ok I guess because I've found something I am interested in. I cannot believe I didn't touch the piano for a whole year! well except for a few time here and there but I didn't feel anything special. I love music so damn much.

I freaking want to learn how to play bass because gen told me to. Ever since then though, I've been listening to the bass alot. It's actually quite important I realised.

Oh, I watched the school of rock. Great movie! I love Jack Black! He's so hot. Oh yea, I realised his grin resembles that of Jack Nicholson. It's like exactly the same! Freaky! And I love the character Black plays in the School of Rock;his enthusiasm for music and everything. It's so wow! To like find someone making music not to make money but to share whatever you know. Sigh. I think I am talking rubbish. Well, I shall go off now. Happy Christmas Eve!

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Ok, today was ok I guess. No shopping which is of course great!:) Mom's working the afternoon shift. So yeah, no shopping. Anyways I have been fighting on and off with my youngest sister for about 3 days I think. And she's so annoying. I actually tried to apologise but her stupid ego and pride couldn't take it. argh. She's so annoying! And her temper's really bad seriously,worse than before! She actually ends up beating me and it really hurts!Argh.So irritating. I am actually quite scare of her.Embarassing right? I know.

Ok right now, we are talking about disgusting things. About how fathers can rape their own biological daughter.It's absolutely disgusting and inhumane. How can you even think of it? Argh. How did we even start talking about it.? Erm. we started talking about about marrying first cousins and the serious consequences in the form of your child.Bleagh.

Anyways, also started talking about love and all. I am pretty much against love. Well I don't like to fall in love basically. But I love other people's love stories to have a happy ending. And I was like reading all my cousin's love messages from her boyfriend.So sweet and she's so happy and all.

And speaking of love stories, I was personally devastated when I heard about Nisha's and Kaveen's story. I really wanted them to work. I just knew they were for each other somehow even though he's younger than her. But still she's obviously in love with him and I thought he was in love with her. I really did and then he had to ruin the whole thing. I felt really sad for Nisha,really. But it got me thinking, that love just leads to pain! I hope this will not be the result in my cousin's own love story.I really do.

I want to get married. I want to have children. But I want my freaking marriage to last until I die. And it's like now the norm for marriages is like what 10-12 years. Some even 10-12 months.And then I thought that maybe they didn't know each other well enough before they got married. But some of them werelike dating for 7 years and the seperate after 2 months? what the hell! It's really depressing. No wonder the freaking birth rate is low!argh.

whatever.

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Hmm, ok. Haven't been blogging for quite a while. Have been busy basically. Was staying over at my cousin's place at woodlands. Been loads of fun. Watched King Kong. I was really trying not to cry! It's like super heart wrenching. Really. I had to control my tears so I just started to bite my tongue so that I dont cry cause it would be quite embarassing crying infront of your cousins and all. Yeah. Tough work I tell ya trying to control your tears. Yep. Sigh. King kong was like really wow!.

Anyways, we went shopping for Christmas. And I totally HATE SHOPPING.It's freaking tiring. And you get all depressed because your fat thighs can't get into the awesome jeans. Your legs look too fat in that cute skirt. Shopping on the first day was fun with my cousins and all and I saw this beautiful lacy kinda skirt. And It was like wow! serious! Obviously the others didn't think the same. But I bought that skirt nevertheless. You know why? Cause that skirt did not care about my fat thighs or my ugly legs! AND it was like FIFTY bucks. quite ok I guess.

The s econd day was horrendous probably because I went shopping with my mom! My mom is a bad shopping partner. We went to the This Fashion outlet near PS. It is like Huge! And it has everything. Bought lotsa stuff. Mom kept forcing me to buy a new skirt. But I insister that I will only wear the blue one I bought the previous day. And she said that skirt looked like it was from Serangoon Road! ARGH. And I swore to myself that I will wear that skirt for Christmas!

And we shopped and shopped and shopped till we dropped literally. Like 11 am to 7 pm! It was like arghhh.I just hate shopping! It's depressing. YOu miss good shows on TV( missed the Bold and The Beautiful!!)

At least I got to watch shrek! And watching Shrek made me feel better about myself. You know the whole Beauty doesn't count thing,Don't judge a book by its cover. Well that 'good feeling' lasted about 1 hour until they revealed that Princess Fiona was an ogre! bloody hell! well, half ogre. I mean obviously Fiona fell in love with shrek because she understands what Shrek goes through. You know, like pity. Their own kind. Bleagh. Whatever.

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I finally bought new jeans. It cost $99.50. It's actually not that bad considering it's Levi's I guess. I am not really sure of the price range since this is my first pair of Levi's jeans. It was hell trying to get the right pair! OH MY GOD. seriously it was HELL I tell you. It was probably because of my big ass. argh. Big asses can be so damn frustrating. I should get styling tips from J.Lo.

Anyways the good news, CHIJ TP BAND was awarded gold in the INTERNATIONAL competition!! wow right? I mean like we were awarded silver for SYF. So this is like a huge imnprovement. Must say I am proud of my sister because she got to experience it all. They were actually aiming for silver. Christmas came early for them I guess.

I can just imagine the look on Mr Chan's face. His stupid grin, lecture, and most probably a pizza treat or something even better!ahhhhhh. they're lucky though. ONce again congratulations!:)

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So I had great fun today, playing socby(!!), which is soccer and rugby. Really fun. We got all dirty and everything! The best was rugby when belle in the other team just kept shoving us.I think I scored once too. :) haha yep.Anyways everytime I get the ball, everyone's just piling on top of me and Nisha was always snatching the ball away from me! argh. haha. so we had fun and it started raining so went to the stairs and wanted to place our bags somewhere else. And what do you know? JENNY( thank god she was there) spotted a black baby cobra. It didn't really look poisonous to me. But thank god Jenny warned us. I am so damn thankful for her :). Apparently her brother's a reptile freak so she knows about all these stuff. Then later so Non-teaching staff guy came down and pushed it towards the drain. Most of us were quite traumatised.And there we took that as a sign of God to not play anymore.

So we are all dirty and smelly, we decided to take shower so we go to st gabe's only to find out that the water supply was cut. so we had to go to st mike's but before that we all planned which day we would meet the next time and decided that we would meet every monday. And then Jenny told us that she might be moving to either washington or australia if her mom's application's accepted. I guess I was shocked. Because like everyone is moving. I guess I always thought we would all remain together you know. I don't know. And Nisha and Pamela might be going over to Australia to study too for like 2 yrs or something. Really sucks. I do not want to be alone in Singapore!

Anyways after that me,Jenny, Nisha and Belle went to st Mike's and washed up using a hose. It was quite fun until the cleaner aunty told us that the water was flowing outside onto the principal's car. Frankly, I found that quite funny. And then we had some more fun. Talked about stuff and all.Then we went to subway to eat and I got a subway melt.It was great except for the times when I actually saw vegetable sticking out. Eeeww. Then Clarabelle was totally going on about Kenneth, the cute chinese guy working at subway. haha he was quite cute I guess. Then we talked rubbish once more and then I had to leave because I told my dad I'd be back in the afternoon and technically according to Jenny, the afternoon ends at about 4pm so I left and I met my mom outside the bus interchange and then I talked to Jasmine on the phone.

She sounded really bored with Elyssa(her roommate in Genting).She kept laughing at every single thing we said. She's just mad. I really do hope she plays well and the band would get a silver medal at the very least. I am praying for you CHIJ TP BAND. HAHA. good luck though!

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I've got the answer to my question. The one when I was asking myself whether I am a bad person. I guess God decide to answer my question in a very subtle way. I am a bad person. BUT I know I can change. I hope I will. I hope I become less selfish. I also realise I am quick to judge people; and I know I should not do that at all. It's just wrong.

So, what happened yesterday had a real huge impact, and I know that I will never ever forget this in my entire life.(which is good because I always forget the bad stuff I've done;the mistakes).Anyways, yesterday was sunday, so we go to church and because I have to go through the confirmation rites I sit in front with the other confirmants. So after mass, Brother Emmanuel has always got announcements to make so we stay back for like 10 mins tops. Now my dad was not working yesterday, so he could afford to wait for 10 mins BUT he wanted them to leave first. So my mom was like why not wait for her she'll be finished soon. And my dad just shouted at her IN CHURCH. This is what my mom said, I wasn't there.

So after the meeting, I called my mom and she said that she was already walking home and of course I got quite pissed. Everyone else was going home with their families and this is the only time we get to spend time together outside.So I was quite pissed but not angry though,really.

So everything was fine until dinner, my dad asked us to go down to the hawker center to buy food and so I asked my mom and sisters what they wanted and I totally forgot my dad! I KNOW! How can I forget right? I dont know how because I never forget these kind of things at all! So my dad thought that I just ignored him and when I came back with food he started shouting. He was obviously hurt; I could tell. Then he went on about how my sisters and my mom always spend time together without him and he just went out. I was so freaking guilty

This is the part when I realised that I was a bad person. I fucking trying to reason myself that it was only fair since he did not wait for me after church. What the hell! I was so freaking angry with myself. How the hell could I actually justify my actions? Thank God, I caught myself in time. And then I couldn't sleep because I didn't know where my dad could have gone so I did a bit of reflection and I have always been quite selfish in one way or another. BUT I know that I can change. I have to.

And I always tell myself that my dad is so distant that he does not even want to make an effort to make our relationship work and then I realised that I have never put any effort into this relationship. Because I realised that he actually knows me very well. Hardly anyone knows that I have a good memory when it comes to numbers. But he did. I know this because whenever he forgets my relatives' addresses or something he would ask me first because he knows that I can remember. Even my mom doesn't know. And when he found out I qualified for JC, he told everyone in my family, with pride.

He doesn't show it but I know he's proud to have me as a daughter. I really want to believe that. I do. All this I realised during my little 'reflection' last night. And so I have decided to put in effort too! I started off ok this morning when I said BYE to him before I left the house. You see usually I only tell my mom. I really hope I would have the wisdom and the determination to make this relationship work.

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And so I have finally finished shopping for my confirmation clothes. I can't say I am happy with it but my mom certainly is. But the best part, we bought my clothes in like 10 minutes into shopping! That I must say is definitely a record! I just hate shopping cause you always have an idea of what you want before you shop and I am the type who cannot adjust something a little bit different. And the consequence of that is disastrous because you end up shopping for 7-8 hours without buying anything. That has got to be the worst thing in the world. But I went shopping for confirmation with a totally open mind and i got my clothes in a good 10 minutes. I havent actually seen it yet;I just wanted to get over and done with it kinda thing. But if my mom's happy(it's hard to get her approval), I definitely am happy. Oh yea by the way, he asked me to write this on my blog, so here goes. I talked to the great Narash today. haha. yep that's it. He just wanted his name there i guess. SIGH. THE THINGS PEOPLE DO FOR FAME! :)

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OK! I am finally done with the blog. Well, almost anyways. I hope it's alright. Anyways, today is saturday so no shan wee! or so i thought until i was in the bus going to Novena which is when i heard shan wee's voice on the radio! OH! the horror i tell you. Yep, apparently he was like giving updates live from OG Orchard Point about some visual radio thing. Anyways visual radio? technology is really advanced. Does visual radio mean that the 'listener' can actually SEE the DJ. If so, then it's actually quite bad right. I mean radio won't be able to hire ugly people! OH NO! there goes my hope of actually surviving in the world! DAMN! Somehow all the cool jobs belong to the good looking people! damn! Looks are important! bleagh.

Anyways, enough of ugly people, I kinda have a problem with myself. I realised fully the extent of this problem when my sister asked me which part of my life i would erase if i had the chance which is almost like asking me what mistake wouldn't i have done. And when she asked me i gave her a reply in like 1 second. I told her that i haven't made any major mistakes in the past year;which is so obviously not true. That's when i realised that i do not like think over the mistakes or repent or anything. I just forget them! which is really terrible. Because the mistakes you make help you become a better person but only if you correct your mistakes right? but i just forget. i dont even know what kinda mistakes i've made! this brings me back to the confirmation camp;the confession part. we had this reflection thing before we actually went to see the priest. We were supposed to reflect on our mistakes and everything. So i tried to reflect, but my mind was blank! seriously! So then I prayed to God to help me remember the bad stuff I have done. I guess that worked to a certan extent but I only remembered the really small mistakes! The everyday things you know like making fun of your sister and that kinda thing.And this reflection became worse for me to handle when everyone around me started crying. And then i felt that i had to force myself to cry so that i am a good catholic. But obviously i didnt force myself to cry. The confession was a totally bad one too. the priest got bored with my everyday mistakes and sent me away.

Am I bad person? I have been asking God this question everyday but no answer. Do i want an answer? I dont know. why? Because I think I am a bad person.

and i really dont know what to do. and my confirmation is still a week away! argh. this is bad!

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Ok, so I have decided to start a blog. I actually have been wanting to do this a long time but due to my laziness and of course my incompetence in starting a blog, i never got to it. It's like one of those things where you THINK of doing something time and time again but never really got to it. Probably something like my revision for the O's. I always thought that I wouldn't have to resort to last minute studying because I would have completed my revision, but obviously i was proven wrong. And I always thought that after my exams are over, I would stop lazing around and finally start exercising but of course I have not started yet. BUT I still have time so I may be able to start running but the chances are quite slim. However I'd like to think that I surprise myself sometimes so if i come back all fit you know i've been running

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