I've got the answer to my question. The one when I was asking myself whether I am a bad person. I guess God decide to answer my question in a very subtle way. I am a bad person. BUT I know I can change. I hope I will. I hope I become less selfish. I also realise I am quick to judge people; and I know I should not do that at all. It's just wrong.

So, what happened yesterday had a real huge impact, and I know that I will never ever forget this in my entire life.(which is good because I always forget the bad stuff I've done;the mistakes).Anyways, yesterday was sunday, so we go to church and because I have to go through the confirmation rites I sit in front with the other confirmants. So after mass, Brother Emmanuel has always got announcements to make so we stay back for like 10 mins tops. Now my dad was not working yesterday, so he could afford to wait for 10 mins BUT he wanted them to leave first. So my mom was like why not wait for her she'll be finished soon. And my dad just shouted at her IN CHURCH. This is what my mom said, I wasn't there.

So after the meeting, I called my mom and she said that she was already walking home and of course I got quite pissed. Everyone else was going home with their families and this is the only time we get to spend time together outside.So I was quite pissed but not angry though,really.

So everything was fine until dinner, my dad asked us to go down to the hawker center to buy food and so I asked my mom and sisters what they wanted and I totally forgot my dad! I KNOW! How can I forget right? I dont know how because I never forget these kind of things at all! So my dad thought that I just ignored him and when I came back with food he started shouting. He was obviously hurt; I could tell. Then he went on about how my sisters and my mom always spend time together without him and he just went out. I was so freaking guilty

This is the part when I realised that I was a bad person. I fucking trying to reason myself that it was only fair since he did not wait for me after church. What the hell! I was so freaking angry with myself. How the hell could I actually justify my actions? Thank God, I caught myself in time. And then I couldn't sleep because I didn't know where my dad could have gone so I did a bit of reflection and I have always been quite selfish in one way or another. BUT I know that I can change. I have to.

And I always tell myself that my dad is so distant that he does not even want to make an effort to make our relationship work and then I realised that I have never put any effort into this relationship. Because I realised that he actually knows me very well. Hardly anyone knows that I have a good memory when it comes to numbers. But he did. I know this because whenever he forgets my relatives' addresses or something he would ask me first because he knows that I can remember. Even my mom doesn't know. And when he found out I qualified for JC, he told everyone in my family, with pride.

He doesn't show it but I know he's proud to have me as a daughter. I really want to believe that. I do. All this I realised during my little 'reflection' last night. And so I have decided to put in effort too! I started off ok this morning when I said BYE to him before I left the house. You see usually I only tell my mom. I really hope I would have the wisdom and the determination to make this relationship work.

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